I’m so excited to report that I have an article in this issue of Mamalode Magazine! The theme is “Letting Go” and while I found that it was a perfect topic for me to write about, it was also extremely difficult. Perhaps because I had too much that I needed to write. First I wrote about letting go of the child I thought I was going to have, the mourning that I had to do because the loss of those dreams are in fact very real. Then I had thoughts of the other “letting gos” and I realized I was surrounded by the process. From letting go at the second of birth to losing control of her eating issues, the physical handing back to the nurses when I had to leave the NICU or the doctors taking her off to surgery. Or the letting go of expectations, society values, my values, the multifaceted feelings of both inadequacy and guilt. And drop Anna in the equation and it all seemed overwheming to write something meaningful in 900 words.
In the end, I submitted “Letting Go Sucks” which the Mamalode staff very wisely decided to rename “Moving On.”
Here is an excerpt:
A big part of motherhood is letting go. From the physical letting go of a newborn in birth to the gradual letting your child go to blossom into an independent person. It is a broad concept and a very difficult one for me to face. So what does it mean to me? I have colorful visions of my worries and fears easily floating away with a warm summer breeze and instantly feeling lighter. Oh, how I wish that were the case. The truth is, letting go of anything is just plain difficult. Letting go is not always sad, but it is usually hard. It can knock the breath from you and force you to violently gasp for air. Letting go does not mean giving up, it means acceptance and acknowledgement towards change. Letting go means moving on.
As a mother to two young daughters, I’ve experienced many different shades of letting go. From the rather minor day-to-day occurrences to life-altering and shocking revelations. No question, parenting is difficult and a continuous challenge any way you look at it. Raising a child with special needs is no different, but for me the extra challenges seem much harder. The process of letting go and accepting our new life and circumstance is sometimes quite a heart-wrenching experience. I’d love to say that I can tackle it with great ease and confidence each day, but the truth is most of the time I don’t.
I hope sharing an extremely short version of my feelings in the Mamalode print magazine will give just a tiny glimpse into what moms of special need kiddos experience. Perhaps it will help parents of the newly diagnosed feel less alone too. Two years ago, if I had read this piece in a magazine I think I would’ve felt just a little bit better knowing someone was out there with me, struggling and gasping for air. Someone telling me that yes, letting go sucks, but you can do it.